The Broken me and the pieces that have piled up
This might sound like a first-person rant, but that's the point. No one out there is doing so much better than you. Everyone has their own set of battles to wage and places to conquer. This is just a burnt out me putting sentences around some universal feelings people feel, for different situations and different reasons. There's no agenda to this, no pretext. It's just about how rushed and rapid life feels after a point, when you stop realizing the gravity or depth of most of what's happening around you. Think of this reading session as a small break from the rush that makes you both reckless and breathless.
This is me admitting to things I've done in the past few months, some of which might have been bad decisions and some others might be insignificant to life but still a conscious decision. I channelized most of the empathy I had into working on problems that needed solving and was also successful in some, but that depleted me of the emotional energy I needed for my own self in my own time. I was so invested in generalising things and thinking about the bigger picture that every big or small step I wanted to take for myself, I took while wearing a 10kg shoe that made me struggle a lot before I could lift my foot up to go where I wanted to go. Since my energy to spare on myself dropped, I relied on the cheaper dopamine to give me the illusion of fulfillment that I did not get.
I've also been the culprit of misdirected anger and haven't ever tried to make it right after realising it. I get too absorbed with the work that I do and don't differentiate between life and work. I toxically take upon things into my own basket even though I know that I have enough deliverables at hand. This happens because I try to find the fulfillment I missed out on in personal life by overdelivering in work life; but in reality that is not at all healthy. All of these are not actions that stand out for anyone to even notice and talk to you about, you would only realize all of these when you introspect your own actions. The point is that you need to give yourself some time, touch grass, humble yourself about how insignificant things can get and how fast. The rush we are swimming in is not even letting us sit back and think about news of someone dying because we ourselves have started dying bit by bit from the inside.
I haven't written anything in a long while, not because I lack the interest to, but because I just don't find it worthwhile to structure a sentence that might sound fake when I repeat it in my head. So many lines scrapped and so many more left unsaid because they did not feel organic. I initially used to think that I was a good enough to mediocre writer, which is why I was able to write these blogs. I was asked to write some research-backed articles related to mental health sometime ago; that was a very humbling experience because I don't like the source or the flow of my writing being dictated by research behind it. I write because I feel those things from within me, not because some researcher has concluded it. Post that, I was never able to write anything naturally; I dumped three to four different blogs that I had planned to release because they felt so artificial and scripted. I hated every word I typed back then. I still do to an extent. That's when I realized that I am no writer, I only used to write because I had pent up emotions that had no other pathway to exit out of; but that's nothing new, many people have it. I just was lucky enough to have the words to channelise those feelings into.
Who is this for? I have zero clue. All I know is that I had to put it out there without hesitation, that I have wronged myself by not being the version of myself that I would want to look back on and be proud of. A sorry to myself. An unaddressed ache that causes more anger than pain. Yeah, maybe not everyone's cup of tea to see someone rant when life itself is serving them their own daily dose of retrospection to some extent. But, this was meant to be a rant. If I brought in an objective view, people might assume that they are being judged. This is just a sense of reassurance that I want to give myself and anyone who reads this. I don't know whether it matters if I write or not. I just know I needed to write this.
This reminds me of : 'gloomy apathy , syllogistic irony
ReplyDeletethrowing random words out there until it makes up poetry
intellectual idiocy, burrowing ecstasy
wandering thoughts let go of the moment entirely
proven fallacy, disregarded bravery
we ask and ask as long as we break prettily
rambling tendency, despondent melancholy
close your eyes as you breath in shamelessly.'
Understanding where one went wrong is a luxury people do not seem to be able to afford these days and the fact that you put it out there is commendable. Great work and I'm sure we all appreciate it.
This exchange between us was nothing short of the juxtaposing ideas of tyranny and tragedy where the tyranny tries to explain the need to complete and compete with the artistic gall that felt open ended from my end and the irony is me trying to relish my own words and trying to see if there is a fresh perspective here.
DeleteThanks for the reassuring ushers that would have never reached my way if not for my vulnerable self going out there.
Indeed. The best part being you put everything out there enough for it to have multiple perspectives. Someone who's going through something similar might see something you saw whe you wrote. Someone who's looking bask in hindsight might see another version and muse. Someone who's about make certain decisions see another version.someone healed sees another version and someone who's still figuring out where they stand see another version. This is all I can listen out on top of my head so you are amazing at what you do. I just hope you realize that sooner than later because all that passion and a medium as this to vent it all out is and has to be poetic justice.
DeleteFair, you put out another interesting point. We only know what you're going through when you reach out and talk about it. There's only so much people can presume and think about. So perhaps this is a sign to reach out to people, whoever they might be. To be vulnerable is a treasure and I hope you handle it the want it would flourish. Not gobbling it up for nonuse but not letting it go just cuz. You deserve all the happiness, everyone does to an extent.i hope you get there tbh
The beauty of art is that it is never single dimensional, it has enough that even if everyone in the world have taken a shot at perceiving it in their own perspective, it still has sides that are yet to be explored. Regarding poetic justice, well, me getting to be poetic without having to spell it out and rhyming for it to translate across, it in itself is a freedom for which I should and will be thankful for.
DeleteGetting there is the attempt for anyone to be grateful for the unseen and unheard of things in life. Some things are not meant to be experienced but felt, cliche as it may be, doesn't take away from the fact that treasuring feelings is the ultimate goal for us when we stretch our legs across the death bed.
I agree, it never being single dimensional is why it connects a lot of people in multivariate states. Each and everyone has their own percept which in turn give the whole thing another meaning. Somehow it creates bonds where they weren't, creates a space to breathe in and thankfully be themselves.
DeleteRhyme scheme matters to nothing is what's said is soulless
Somethings aren't to be told but experienced,sure. But somethings are to be experienced with someone around, with someone to learn on. With someone. Sure , relying on yourself is the ultimate but there's another more profound level to that..
The bonds made before a dialogue ever occurs is the the bond that will last even if something goes wrong at dialogue because you never relied on the others words but the art that they wanted to convey. In that kind of a space, you don't just breathe, you live.
DeleteThere is always levels to the experiences you can be part of. The level at which you experience them depends on how open and communicative you are about it and that again leads back to the feelings you treasure as a full circle.
That is one aspect of writing/reading that's so wholesome apart from putting one's thoughts out there. The fact that art perhaps could perhaps be separated from the art until you know the artist and bias seeps in. That particular phenomenon is so interesting. The space it gives you to understand yourself feels almost magnanimous and cathartics but well, a space is only sacred to those who share it when it's treated that way.
DeleteIndeed. Understanding the fact that sometimes you don't have to do it all along brings you back to the fullest circle completely with your treasured feelings altogether
Cathartic*
DeleteThe seperation between the art, artist and their personal bias is always more of an aspiration when you know the artist (which might not be the case sometimes, for which we will be lucky) but it is good to aspire for things that are out of reach, only then do we realize well about what is actually in reach and why. The space well is only as good as the company that it is being shared with. Ironically, even if the space is crammed, the company might make it spacious enough for us to not feel that.
DeleteIndeed. For when you do end up knowing the artist's personal views? You might not resonate with the piece anymore which is horribly sad but unfortunately very real. The more you get to know an artist from their work alone, the more the expectations that befalls them.
DeleteAbout the space though, it is true. Griping about space is only a saddening aspect when you realize that choosing those sharing that space with you is a delicate thing which gets lost in translation sometimes and sometimes it's lost beyond repair. Exhaustion and suffocation caused by such a space removes the scacred-ness of it altogether
That's the reason that You should know of an artist because of their art but never try to know the artist for their art. Funnily enough, they aren't at fault either, it is the way the human mind and curiosity operate. Some things are better left untouched to preserve the serenity that they make you feel in your mind.
DeleteSpace is only sacred when its availability is sacred as well. The moment taking it for granted kicks in, the hourglass tilts the other way counting down the time you have to spare for in this space at this time. When the sand slips, the space alters and malforms into something you never imagined yourself to be put in. Convoluated and conniving as it may be, we don't have a choice in the say apart from staying in touch with the reality and reasoning.
Life rarely works kind enough for that. Unfortunately trying is rare given the time and age for the rhetorics of the situation is shoved into our faces from when we first wake up. Plastering ourselves with others' opinions only work when all the individuality of their own is lost. Hilariously though, ignorance is always bliss until the fog fades and you're pushed into reality. Realising that you shouldn't have been as ignorant isn't something that's spoken widely enough.
DeleteAvailability of the space being sacred doesn't mean that it has to be limited rather it has to be handled very carefully. Life is already precarious enough without trying. Tilting the hourglass until it all seeps out and then you realize that underneath it is an hourglass huge enough for you you to exist above, all you have to do is look. See. That is another privilege that's not to be taken for granted. If all's lost, what is?
Maybe life was never meant to be kind but to kindered with your own semblence and sensibilities. The shoving and plastering never stops, but, what does stop is the will to be under the guise and comfortably away from the chaos. Before you know it, you are in the middle of it and you have no choice but to come out of it alive. The alive you could either be more excited about the future or too jaded about the present and future together. It all depends on how much ignorance you decide to strip yourself off of to let the vulnerable you look at the world.
DeleteYou can exist on an hourglass that is big but no hourglass is big enough to quantify the time that your greedy self wants. The size of the hourglass doesn't change the flow of time but just shows it in a bigger picture and on your face. If all is lost, all you ever have is only to gain moving forward, nothing to snatch from someone who lost everything.
Life, regardless of what it's meant to be, is. What ends up happening though is the need to articulate and the will to make a choice to understand something has to be alive in some corner atleast. Bringing that back to life might not be anyone else's duty perse but outing that down must be some form of cruelty. Being too alive and being too jaded. A very fine line that's waiting to be pushed into either sides , very fine line indeed. Stripping away ignorance situationally is another important thing that has to be reflected internally for picking and choosing rarely works or helps
DeleteSure, as long as that greed isn't pushing someone else to be something they are not ? Be greedy, be selfish. After all, life is too small for not being so. Sure, nothing to snatch away from someone who's lost it all but losing themself isn't an option , shouldn't be an option. Cuting yourself some slack has to be a motto for even when the hourglass shows you how the bigger picture is aligned, it also shows you how long you have to finally breathe in shamelessly
Well, I hope you balance the fine line in whatever endeavours that you choose to be part of and I hope you reflect well before you make those choices.
DeleteThe push and shove always is external after all. Which again makes your internal reflection more important and necessary. The shame should never end even when the breath is about to, that is what life is when lived to the fullest.
To you too!
DeleteProud!!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting to see the person behind
ReplyDeletePersonal vulnerability is the best blanket that can be given as comfort to people going through something similar in their lives.
DeleteSometimes, for sure
DeleteA friend sent this to me saying 'Damn, it sounds like it was written by another version of you.I mean it's like the author has a whole new depressing idea of how actually life is' and I had to come running to read this. Great job showing yourself even if it is for yourself
ReplyDeleteAhh well, I hope I have lived up to the expectations you have had when you came running to read this. And also Thank You to that friend of yours that recommended that you read it and also for first reading so themselves. We all are a common version of some shape or form eventually just simulated in a different place and time. That is exactly why, it is important to voice out our version so that the relatability will come to be a place of shade for the ones travelling along.
DeleteYeah, guy said that something about you clicked? As though you've seen all this and more which makes you even more relatable. guy's also way too shy hence me responding from his behalf too. He also said that apart from the content, the structuring and the format though might be impulsive seemed very smooth and elegant.guy also had high standards so yeah, for what it's worth, people are enjoying this quite a lot!
DeleteGuy says a lot when he wants to say I guess. But, I am glad to hear such nice things and i am happy that people are enjoying it and you are a part of the said people. It is a great feeling for an artist to be told about the art. So, thank you, for the time spent reading and also even more for writing down what you felt.
DeleteThat guy does, all the very best!
DeleteTo you both as well!
DeleteHere's to hoping we don't have to wait for an eternity for the next one oye
DeleteDepends on the writer's block honestly. It's better to take time for a genuine piece rather than rush an half-assed one. The wait should not be taken advantage of. But, sure the sooner the better.
DeleteOh god does writer's block sucks. It's the phase where you want to write but you just end up staring at the screen/ page for hours at a stretch yet not even one word is there on there. Yet, the sooner the better :)
DeleteYup the staring is one part, I have one other block where I am able to write stuff down but when I reiterate it on my head, i don't personally like it at all one bit, maybe cause it is artificial or something else and then I remove the entire thing altogether.
DeleteI didn't even realize that it got commented twice, wow. But then did you try talking about your creative process or your wrtie-ups for the lack of better words with someone else so that you're not stuck in reiterating and removing chunks of it everytime? Initially that might've been a way but the more you remove, the more originality slips away from fingers like sand and holding on to some hypothetical standard undoes everything you wanted to begin with. Not that I know what I'm talking about but here's my unsolicited 2 cents I suppose
DeleteI write as a way to vent the train of thoughts that I otherwise cannot streamline and vocalise to a third person without a valid occasion or reason. I want the writings and the mistakes within that writings to be personal rather than a piece formed out of a conversational exchange with someone else. That maybe a way people use but just isn't what I prefer to do I suppose. The reiteration I go through is not a speed-breaker to my writing but is an integral part of it. I can't put things out without doing it.
DeleteSo wait, you write as venting session let's say and reiterating your thoughts till you like the way it's presented is an integral part of your writing? What classifies to be a mistake then? Isn't putting out the mistakes also a part of it?
DeleteMistake could be a grammatical one, could be a flow wise one, could be an objectivity wise one. Point is that I don't want to edit and polish it to be perfect. Maybe, it will be translated across well while bearing the flaws.
DeleteHow different is it from reiterating multiple times and discarding what it initially must've been then
DeleteVaries with each one honestly. There is no one baseline for me to give to you as a reference. It is a process of constant evolution with each iteration.
DeleteWell, whatever the process is, someday I hope you publish smthn that hasn't been reiterated multiple times and along wid that, I also hope you enjoy those pieces you wouldn't have earlier on (yours that is). As hard as it might be, one step into giving yourself the grace of cutting yourself some slack would be amazing
DeleteThat indeed is the hope as always. But, let's see how things turn out. Cutting myself some slack is indeed a need of the hour but the hour keeps procrastinating itself to the oblivion. So yeah, lets see when it ends.
DeleteUnfortunately so. Procrastination is ‘a worn out recording of your favourite song’ (yes, I took that from piña colada) and it’s been going on for the longest time, it sounds like. Me telling cut yourself some slack won’t change much but hopefully, hopefully, it comes on sooner than later (yup, this is a selfish hope for if that’s the case I’d get to read more from ya :) )
DeleteWell, thank you, yet again for the kind words. And I do hope I live up to the wait when you do read and when I do publish. The song might go on due to procrastination and I hope, so does the interest to read but just due to the time it took for it to come out.
DeleteI’ve got a very ‘out of sight, out of mind’ brain so here’s to hoping this masterpiece or further such do not escape my mind
Delete