The Broken me and the pieces that have piled up

This might sound like a first-person rant, but that's the point. No one out there is doing so much better than you. Everyone has their own set of battles to wage and places to conquer. This is just a burnt out me putting sentences around some universal feelings people feel, for different situations and different reasons. There's no agenda to this, no pretext. It's just about how rushed and rapid life feels after a point, when you stop realizing the gravity or depth of most of what's happening around you. Think of this reading session as a small break from the rush that makes you both reckless and breathless.

This is me admitting to things I've done in the past few months, some of which might have been bad decisions and some others might be insignificant to life but still a conscious decision. I channelized most of the empathy I had into working on problems that needed solving and was also successful in some, but that depleted me of the emotional energy I needed for my own self in my own time. I was so invested in generalising things and thinking about the bigger picture that every big or small step I wanted to take for myself, I took while wearing a 10kg shoe that made me struggle a lot before I could lift my foot up to go where I wanted to go. Since my energy to spare on myself dropped, I relied on the cheaper dopamine to give me the illusion of fulfillment that I did not get.

I've also been the culprit of misdirected anger and haven't ever tried to make it right after realising it. I get too absorbed with the work that I do and don't differentiate between life and work. I toxically take upon things into my own basket even though I know that I have enough deliverables at hand. This happens because I try to find the fulfillment I missed out on in personal life by overdelivering in work life; but in reality that is not at all healthy. All of these are not actions that stand out for anyone to even notice and talk to you about, you would only realize all of these when you introspect your own actions. The point is that you need to give yourself some time, touch grass, humble yourself about how insignificant things can get and how fast. The rush we are swimming in is not even letting us sit back and think about news of someone dying because we ourselves have started dying bit by bit from the inside.

I haven't written anything in a long while, not because I lack the interest to, but because I just don't find it worthwhile to structure a sentence that might sound fake when I repeat it in my head. So many lines scrapped and so many more left unsaid because they did not feel organic. I initially used to think that I was a good enough to mediocre writer, which is why I was able to write these blogs. I was asked to write some research-backed articles related to mental health sometime ago; that was a very humbling experience because I don't like the source or the flow of my writing being dictated by research behind it. I write because I feel those things from within me, not because some researcher has concluded it. Post that, I was never able to write anything naturally; I dumped three to four different blogs that I had planned to release because they felt so artificial and scripted. I hated every word I typed back then. I still do to an extent. That's when I realized that I am no writer, I only used to write because I had pent up emotions that had no other pathway to exit out of; but that's nothing new, many people have it. I just was lucky enough to have the words to channelise those feelings into.

Who is this for? I have zero clue. All I know is that I had to put it out there without hesitation, that I have wronged myself by not being the version of myself that I would want to look back on and be proud of. A sorry to myself. An unaddressed ache that causes more anger than pain. Yeah, maybe not everyone's cup of tea to see someone rant when life itself is serving them their own daily dose of retrospection to some extent. But, this was meant to be a rant. If I brought in an objective view, people might assume that they are being judged. This is just a sense of reassurance that I want to give myself and anyone who reads this. I don't know whether it matters if I write or not. I just know I needed to write this.